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How To Love And Be Loved | 12 Irrational Thoughts | Depression | Blondes | |
Does the mean beast called jealousy annoy you?
Do you think that it is something normal???
Do you think that your partner belongs only to you?
Does it complicate your life???
Is your partner jealous?
If any of answer to these questions is YES, oooooooooooooooooops!!!
You're in trouble. What else are you to do then than exploring this page. Who knows, maybe you'll find some help right here!
As a first I will stress that I'm writing from the male point of view, because it's clumsy to write all the time him/her so you adjust it to yourself as you like!
So let's work...
Jealous people, look here: an anger, sadness, disappointment - these are normal things, nothing awful, but they are important because they point to disturbance between you and people around you (in this case your girlfriend).
Does jealous person create an impression of being self-confident, you are wandering? YES, but it's only a mask, because that kind of person suffers from a huuuudge feeling of being less worthy. If a person is jealous even a little bit, it means that he thinks of himself very badly. (let me put it in another words: he kids himself by thinking that he's not worthy to be loved, so how could somebody else love him.)
Let's check up now some of reasons for self-accuse:
1) no success, no money or love
2) globally speaking, I worth less than others
Jealous persons are psychically blind. It is a fact that they will very probably chase away their partner with huuuuuge effort unwillingly. They can't accept responsibility for their condition - partner is always guilty. Even if your girlfriend fucks somebody else in front of you, you will not be jealous until you permit it to yourself!! Immediate consequence of that scene can be only feeling of sadness, it can't be a desire to revenge or to kill somebody. But, it's healthy to check out what does she want from you: if you think that she doesn't love you and you start to fulfill all her desires but she doesn't change, run away because both of you can't be happy!!!
And now knockout: jealousy comes out of the way you think about behaving of the person you love, and not from her behavior itself! Take some time and figure out what I want to say. Have you ever asked yourself which are the actual causes of jealousy. Of course you did. But here's one smart solution:
a) distrust toward yourself
b) distrust toward your partner
There is reasonable right to be jealous - if it is a lifestyle of your chick to change lovers, and it's not yours (you don't know what you're missing)... Selfishness is one of the basic attributes of jealous people - no giving, only receiving. They are almost always selfish until something goes wrong.
I'm not in the center of attention of my girlfriend because somebody else is more interesting to her. Do you have that kind of experience? If you do it's not the reason for jealousy, it's normal to be interested in other people too. Learn how to accept yourself no meter does anybody love you or not. Jealous persons believe that they mustn't be disappointed, rejected or jeopardized in any other way, partner must always keep his promise. Are you kidding? That way of thinking is immature IDEALISTIC APPROACH, but not really idealistic. Human has right to be immoral and sinful, but he doesn't have right to persist in making mistakes! What you whish must be wishes, and not demanding.
What is love? - sings Haddaway. I will not sing (I promise, I'll just define it):
LOVE is the feeling learned (procured) in childhood from parents, and it's initialized by guidance deepest wishes and needs.
Wow, somebody is smart...
Having a lovely wife is not a reason for jealousy - it's true that a lots of people are going to suck up to her, she'll be more tempted, but doesn't meter, even if she does something wrong, she has a right to do it, nobody is perfect. But therefor - you also have the right to make mistake, and don't let anybody else to say something different!
If you overwhelm:
a) neurotic need for approbation of others
b) strong feeling of worth less than others,
you kill jealousy.
Jealousy can also exist between parent and child. Parent can be jealous on childs' beauty and youth, and kid could be jealous because of power and education of the parent.
Let's go on. Disappointment because of success of others is expressed in two ways:
Envy. It is very positive because I think: I'll try to be better than others.
Jealousy. What else than negative because I think: they are better than I am, it's killing me, I will never be that good.
I would hate it if somebody says that I'm too abstract, so let's hit the ground - your chick is dancing with somebody on the dance floor (let's say with someone too cute) and what now, huh?
Shortly, either A or B:
A) They look good, I should also learn to dance .....like that...
B) I'm out of the game, shit man!!!
Do I need to say at all which one is the positive way of thinking??? This is clear example of taking the stand - positive and negative - and you wouldn't believe it, the same situation. Obviously destiny has almost nothing to do when you to decide to make things happen your way.
LUST FOR POSSESSION
Are you in love a capitalist or a communist?
Whatever you are, this is obviously a disturbance in thinking, it's unique because there isn't a third person (it happens if postman becomes impotent). Jealousy doesn't appear because you think you'll lose the girlfriend, then because without a girlfriend you feel as worthless person. Those kind of persons don't know what would they do with themselves when lover leaves them. This feeling, just as jealousy, appears because excessive need to love.
DISTRUST, hm... It's a good feeling, but it mustn't turn into jealousy. These are smart speculations, foxy detective curiosity (if you are in the mood to do this). So how the f..k to love? You have to mainly love yourself, and afterwards her, and because she realizes your deepest wishes and needs. Way of thinking is nothing else than a habit, and habits could be changed over the night, I don't claim it's easy, but it's definitely possible. Everything we learn could be forgotten: anger, anxiety, affliction, fluctuation and jealousy.
You have to REJECT next theses about life:
I have to be perfect in order to be worthy.
I have to be loved in order to be worthy.
Behavior of other people can directly disturb me.
I worth as much as good I behave.
IRRATIONAL thinking of jealous person:
I don't worth a thing if somebody doesn't love me.
You belong to me, so do everything I order you.
I'll die if I lose the one I love.
I'll become worthless without the one I love.
I'll never find somebody new.
I gotta have what I want, you must listen to me.
If I'm fair, you gotta be too.
You made a fool out of me - if she cheats on me she doesn't make a fool out of me, than she has to think again about her behavior.
I will never fall in love again - a panic that you will not find a new partner.
All desirable persons are married.
I'm not young any more.
I will never find somebody like my girlfriend. Are you sure, can you predict the future???
There's a nice list of irrational thoughts (you can check up the page with basic Irrational thoughts). Stop for a moment and think about them. Irrational thought sometimes becomes an obsession. An obsession is the thought that you can't stop thinking of, and it can be pleasant or uncomfortable. Anyway, it decreases efficiency! If some of irrational thought appears in your mind just say: Stop! (loudly, and then think of something nice). That tactics could help you.
Jealous person tortures itself because of glorifying partner, and it creates non critical admiration. Girl has to be seen as she is. But if you can't, you have to imagine her in some funny situation (for example - she hits the mud with her face). You're not insufficient as a person if you have some disadvantage, PERSON is the thing that counts.
Accept yourself!!!
LOVE IS THE FEELING OF BEING CONCENTRATED TO YOURSELF
Bad marks, which you use to describe yourself in some fields create the feeling of insecurity. THERE ARE NO GOOD OR BAD PEOPLE, THERE ARE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DO GOOD OR BAD THINGS. If your partner cheats on you, will you lose the feeling of being worthy and self-confident?
NO!!!
You can't judge yourself by girlfriends' acts. If you feel bad, you're the one who compares. Real adultery happens because of two reasons: the first one is boredom in marriage and another is disappointment.
So, how to think reasonably? This way:
Forgive yourself your weaknesses!
Forgive the others their weaknesses!
Never accuse!
Self-accusing creates nasty feelings:
a) guilt b) feeling of being less worthy c) depression
This was enough of psychology, so let's see how do we create anger in ourselves? Let's do it step by step!
1. I want something.
2. I didn't get it, I'm disappointed.
3. It is disgusting and awful because I didn't get it.
4. You shouldn't disappoint me, it has to be as I wish.
5. You are bad because you disappointed me, I will not reject .....only your behavior, than you yourself (as a person). People .....are not bad, their behavior is not totally normal - little bit .....crazy.
6. Bad people have to be punished.
How to love perfectly?
Finally we think of that subject. So, love is the condition of being self-centered, whether you admit it to yourself or not. And attitude toward girlfriend? If she wants something, you gotta say that it's OK - she'll love you even more. How to keep the love? Soul need emotional food, meaning: hands on the cheek, on shoulders, kiss and positive vibrations: a gift, a smile...
Body needs 1600 calories per day. If you take 1300 - you'll become slimmer. Meaning 1600 calories is Lowest Limit of Satisfaction considering body. If you are under spiritual Lowest Limit of Satisfaction, you'll have consequences: misery, displeasure, giving up of love and finally - you quit relationship. If the girl feels miserable, you have to revoke. Marriage is like a job: when you're not satisfied with work conditions, you will quit the job.
4 ways of solving problems in relationship or marriage:
1. Suffer without grudge
It lasts up to a month, you don't have to be disturbed because of every disappointment, and most of events that scare us do not happen at all. But if the girl behaves inappropriately, you have to turn submission to a firmness (you don't fulfill my wishes - I will not fulfill yours).
2. Cold war
Don't make cessions until you gain it yourself. Maturity means to understand what does she do for you and appreciate her because of that. If you "jump" as soon as she orders you to, you will fortify her behavior. As tougher as partner becomes, you have to be gentler - this should last up till a month - usually this method is successful.
3. Separation or divorce
The last solution!
4. Suffer with grudge - NO
This will break soon or later, that's the best way for love to die!
Punch back
Girl will stop loving you because her deepest wishes and needs are not fulfilled - if they are fulfilled again, she should fall in love again, but it takes some time (3 - 6 months). If you really wanna be loved, let a life of others around you be easy and fun. Love takes time to grow. Afterward, time is the thing that binds people. This proverb is not vain: far from eyes, far from heart! You should spend lots of time together because:
carrier = takes time
kids = more of them - less time
TREATING JEALOUS PERSONS:
Don't suffer police investigation. The same question answer for twice, and afterwards don't say anything. Behavior that is not fortified - disappears, meaning action speaks louder than words, and the loudest is firm action. Never feel sorry about the person you wanna change.
Conditions of survival of relationship:
Does she know about my deepest wishes and needs?
Can she satisfy it?
Does she want to satisfy it?
Answers to all three conditions have to be YES. Against jealousy you have to fight with your (acted) jealousy - partner could come to his/her sense in this way.
