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12 Irrational Thoughts | Jealousy | Blondes | |
Let's talk about love, as guys from Modern Talking sing. Love. Sometimes it's not the healthiest feeling, so let us see why...
At the beginning everybody experience a condition which is away from being normal - so it's a poremeaaj, and it's named love disturbance. It's possible to describe it as very painful or cheerful condition similar to a manic psychosis, because we forget about all other important things. A key word in love is happiness, satisfaction. It's possible to reach happiness only if you dare to ask for the stuff you want, so prove that you have mhmmm, you know what... Unfortunately, there are people who are obsessed with a happiness of the others, they wanna please his/her partner (by a kind of masochistic behavior) and the result is possessiveness and jealousy because persons like that don't have self-confidence, so they find it in their lover. Of course, eventual loss of lover means loss of self-confidence, than it goes to a feeling of being worthless and at the end person loses will to live. Don't be an addict, don't be love slave. Love yourself as a first, and because (s)he fits you, your lover also. Every little thing that you do has a motivation in selfishness. Think about it. Even if you help somebody without any kind of reward, you will do it because at the end you'll fell that you're a good person, somebody who did something nice. Being selfish is OK all the way until we, because of it, stop respect other peoples needs. It's eternal question of giving and receiving. If you wanna have a balance, it's more important to think how worthy is what you receive than how much you give. Exactly when you think that you receive enough, you'll be able to give from your heart. First step of loving somebody is to fall in love. It's very important to understand the level of accordance between lovers.
Discrepancy exists in two ways:
A) Neurotic discrepancy - it happens because of temporary emotional problems - lovers don't get along at the time - you can overwhelm it
B) Basic discrepancy - total (believer - atheist, spending money, frequency of having sex...) - it's hard to overwhelm it
Behaving, habits, relationship between your lover and you. How to predict what would living with your lover look like? Spend plenty of time with parents of your lover. The way they get along is the way that you can expect to see in your life. Your partner will change with the years and so will you. That's human nature - people change because they learn by having new experiences. These changes appear every 7 - 10 years. When you're thirty, there's a realistic view at your life for the first time.
I stress, stress and stress one more time:
THERE ARE HUGE DIFFICULTIES IN LIFE WHEN LOVERS LIVE TOGETHER!
Lots of people think that they could expect milk and honey in this way of life. They're wrong. You'll have plenty of troubles, such as missing money for paying bills, neglecting your partner, wrong approach while educating kids, and just sometimes some of happy moments which will give you the strength to go on... Do you thing that man and woman love in the same way? No way! A point of view is different. Men think that sex and love are the same thing. And when there's a problem, man want to solve it on their own. Women think that sex and love are the same thing (yo guys, that's the reason why it's so hard to have a quick one), and if they have problems they talk a lot about it. Just don't say: "I'm not like that". It may be, but these are general rules applied to categories, and people are a little bit too complicated to be sorted in only two categories.
Among problems you can find something named "a wish for fulfillment" - people wanna live on the edge (thirties, forties...) if they didn't do in their youth days. Usually, men have more problem whit this. And now one advice: shut up when you're angry because you'll hurt your lover. How many times have you regretted for words spoken in anger? It's up to you to answer this one. But after some time being together people get married (usually). The most stupid sentence witch you can say is: "We belong to each other, you're only mine". That's 100% pure ugly possessiveness. Marriage is a deal (sometimes temporary) - it goes on until both of lovers are satisfied, or until one dies. Uncertain persons treat a lover as possession - they're jealous, angry, and psychotic. How to deal with that kind of people read in Jealousy. If somebody can't live without love, than (s)he's behaving neurotically. It's good only to have a desire to love. If you have love - great, but if not - try to reach it and don't despair. When somebody turns you down, it's the biggest and the worst danger which human bean can face, only opinion of lover and other people tells you how much you worth. Do you agree? If so, you think in really stupid way. Ask yourself:
- why do you have to be loved ?
- why you are worthy if somebody loves you ?
- were you worthless before (s)he started loving you ?
Will you permit that somebody judges how much do you worth by loving you?
NO!!!
Is the love what you wish, or is it crucial in your life? Come on, if nobody loves you, you might be said but you will not die like characters from the 19th century novels. Have you ever experienced rejection? Most of people think about it as stabbing a knife right into their heart! It only seems like that at the first time. There are only a very few lucky people who didn't have to go through it, but you don't have to be loved all the time by the same person. Rejection it harmless for itself until we start thinking that it could harm us. You better remember this one. An event by itself doesn't have a direct psychical influence at us, we're disturbed by our own (subjective!!!) interpretation of that event. Emotional frustrations come out from the way we talk to ourselves - thoughts make us be said, angry, scared, jealous...
Here are three basic trues about you:
If you think you're worthless because somebody rejected you, your ego wasn't strong enough even before it happened!
If you'll die because (s)he's with somebody else, you have never had enough of self-confidence!
If it's the end of the world because (s)he doesn't talk to you, you have a very few ways to solve your problems!
Since we're talking about general theses, check how to have a reasonable relationship with others:
1. If people treat you right, you should treat them in the same way.
2. If they treat you bad, you should treat them right for Some period of time.
3. If they treat you bad and rule number 2 doesn't work, you can treat them bad but without being angry, or you can simply ignore them.
How do we actually love? What we love is not a person, animal or object, it's the way in which some of these affect us. We don't love them only because they exist. That way of loving somebody is reserved only for God himself (if the Christian theory is right). Check this out: it's easier to love a beggar or whole mankinds then partner because you don't expect anything of first two. An intimate love requires frequent sacrifices!, and brotherhood love requires moderate, occasional. There is also love which kids feel. It's not funny, sloppy as some think, it is deep and sincere just as love felt by adults.
Love at first! - you're champion in taking the risk. If you have a situation like that, you don't know a thing about that person. It's just a sexual attraction, nothing to do with a soul. Intimate love has to be deserved, it doesn't fall from heaven. Love is not caused or created by the other person then you - by yourself, after some person has proved that you're extremely important to her. You don't get love, than you create it after somebody's appropriate act. It is necessary to figure out what do you/she need to be happy (guys don't like giving flowers, but that can be very effective). You have to compensate to partner for efforts that he/she did. When a balance is created (giving and taking) relationship could be OK. But people can be mature or immature. How to know if somebody is immature? If you really do everything for that person and she makes a fuss when you ask her for reasonable favor. Very simple. Immature persons think that things always must be in the way they're supposed to be, if not - they are bitter, angry. And again something weird: partners use each other emotionally, financially, use their skills - those are the reasons why they are together. Marriage is a condition in which two persons estimated that they get along really great and that they could please each other enough to be happy. Women think of marriage more as a job, and guys are (surprise, surprise) romantic. That's why guys fall in love quicker than girls do. Did you know this: guy who makes a lots of money, have a bright future and highest education becomes a bachelor. The most wanted guy: he has a lots of money, he's dressed by the latest fashion, looks well, he can effort her a lifestyle which she wants, he's good in sex. Woman is practical, and guy is a dreamer. In marriage picture changes: husbands loose plenty of romantic behaving, and woman become romantic because they finally found (still not understandable to me) feeling of being secure. She lusts more for him, and he wants money and fun. Women are rather wives than mistress (unfortunately) because of financial security.
So, if you decided to get married, you had some reasons. Can you find yours among next ones?
Healthy reasons for marriage:
1) beeing partners, friends
2) sex
3) making family - when we scarify for our children, we learn to be patient,.persistent and full of understanding
Sick reasons (I hope you're not in here?!):
1) a fear of independence - people who have never lived a few years on their own usually regret entering a marriage too soon
2) to be a therapist to your partner - to feel pity for the partner, one of them is predominant
3) caprice to a parents
4) to get married no meter what
("I would have married anybody only if he proposed on me. I thought that I'm so worthless that I would be damn lucky if somebody wanted me, it didn't have to be the one I wanted" - that's what one woman said - she wasn't happy in that marriage, so she got divorced.)
5) mash - you can control it, you can stop feeling love whenever you want to
6) escape from parents
And at the end if you have a good reasons, you can check up a grade of accordance with your partner. Do it this way:
1) Does my partner understand my deepest wishes and needs?
Write down main disappointments which are caused by your partners' behaving (these are those which disappearance would make me to love my partner even more). If your partner knows which are your deep wishes and needs and can realize them, it's clear that you'll love him/her more.
2) Is (s)he able to satisfy my deepest wishes and needs?
Example: girl who loves arts and football player - they are interested in different things, it would be tough to make a pleasant relationship...
3) Does my partner want to satisfy my deepest needs and interests?
NON OF ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTION MUST NOT BE NEGATIVE !
You must write down your deepest wishes and needs and exchange them with your girlfriend. But girls don't like it. They prefer spontaneity. Don't worry, make them reasonable. The aim of each relationship is JEP (just enough of pleasure). If you're under that - you'll be disturbed, unhappy, frustrated and you'll love your partner less and less. Marriage crashes when love is gone. You mustn't feel the guilt, you're married because of yourself, not because of somebody else (as in everything else - you work, have friends until it fits your needs). You are not doing a favor to anybody if you sacrifice for partner's happiness and you suffer in the same time. If you really care about some relationship, disturb it sometimes and learn people around you to behave in the normal way so you wouldn't have to despise them. Every behavior that is repaid will repeat itself, and stay as it is. Example: if a woman tries to loose some weight, you must commend her. Reward is something we don't give often. But person has to be ready to receive it, we must choose the right time. When and how to reward? You have to reward with the frequency that will be most efficient.
There are two ways:
a) permanent, every time when it's there - immediately a lots of positive.feelings appear, but if we stop, partner changes his/her.behavior
b) from time to time - partner will behave OK all the time expecting laud in the future
It's important to know:
a) what does a person consider as award
b) is that person interested in award in certain moment
c) fortify from time to time
LAUD is very important when we want to influence somebody's feelings toward our self. Kids who are lauded gain self-confidence and self-respect. If you want somebody to love you, you have to emphasize positive things, and ignore negative. We simply don't laud each other.
Important thing is (many of people don't know it) to differ people them self from their behavior, things that they do.
We could say:
You're good/bad - in that way we value a person itself
You did it in a good/bad way - we value behavior
It's easier and better to laud somebody's behavior that person itself. A person is like this piece of a hardware you're glaring at. It has a possibility to do something, but nothing without a software (Microsoft's if possible) - momentary stand which causes behavior. So we have to change people's attitudes, not attack them as bad persons. People who want to be loved and express love have to use lauds in conversation in huge amounts. Say nice things to people, they hear it too rarely. People prefer to criticize than to laud. Create a habit to notice all those nice thing people do for you, and which you were taking for granted. If you wanna sexed you have to be charming, mindful and nice person. Sophisticated and gallant persons who never use defensive attitude make success. Defensive behavior is to main obstacle till success. Do you often quarrel? If you don't reach an agreement, the smartest thing to say is: "I don't thing that, but maybe you're right, and maybe I am". Successful person is the one who knows what it believes in, who is ready to defend his opinion. It's not good to be too good, you have to search for a faver from the others.
When you show that your relationship can - but doesn't have to survive, partner will understand what degree of anxiety, displeasure or fear you can raise. Women sometimes want from partners to reject their requests - she wants a strong guy, who is ready to make decisions, a leader she can lean on. She'll create difficulty, reject cooperation, and become hard to stand. That's only an exam of your strength. She wishes to discover that she's not necessary for him to survive, that she will not be able to rule him. Who becomes soft and agrees with everything she says looses her respect. That's the test of strength. That's the reason some scientists claim that female mind in masochistic deep in its base. Sucking up, flattering, jewelry, flowers, dinner with vine and candles... That approach can be successful when woman wants to be seduced (when she's ready to rock). There are different kinds of seducing. In marriage seducing can be going to movie with kids so wife has more time for herself (if she wants it). Because of that kindness, she'll love her house band even more. Temporary washing the dishes, going to the market, conversation - that will bring her to bed faster than ugly discussion because insufficient sex. It looks like sex is guy's life aim. If she doesn't want sex, she likes cuddle as mosquitoes attack while she's basking. When she's cooking and boyfriend hugs her, it's like a neck pain for her (hmm, I had a chance to check it up, it's really the truth, but there is something sexy about girl who is cooking in the kitchen). Women sometimes don't want sexual sucking up. Some of them can not relax in bad (or somewhere else) because of their education. If the girl feels the fear of closeness, you have to be gentle and persistent, gotta create confidence (and if your libido falls a sleep in a meantime, hmmm it, what can you do...).
